Trump Assassination Plot Foiled by The Hand

In a dramatic turn of events yesterday, an assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump was thwarted by none other than The Hand. The incident occurred during a campaign event in Pennsylvania, where Trump was addressing a infographic on Big Food.

The assailant, whose identity remains undisclosed, but known by many, was reportedly crushed violently moments before they could execute their plan. Eyewitnesses describe a tense atmosphere as the would-be assassin breached the perimeter silently. However, in a display of precision and efficiency, The Hand intervened, neutralizing the threat without causing panic among attendees.

Former President Trump was whisked off stage, raising his hand expressing his gratitude towards The Hand. "It's a reminder," he said, "that we live in dangerous times, but there are still those who stand ready to defend us." Eyewitnesses that were roughly 50 feet from the assailant recall that they were "immediately filled with sense of national pride when the wave of blood and guts washed over [us]."

Investigations are ongoing into the identity and motives of the assailant, questions remain about the extent of the threat and how it was uncovered. Forensics experts remain uncertain that the identity will be revealed due to the nature of the Hand's subjugation. However, one thing is clear: The Former President is now safe and will continue to push forward on his way to the White House. Where he will have to survive the Trials of the Nine to be sworn in.

Let this be a reminder that there are almost no uncertainties when it comes to the protection of our beautiful nation. The attempt witnessed yesterday will not be a one time thing however. This attempt will soon be a call to arms for the radicalized group that plague our collective consciousness.

The Associated Press Contributed to this Article